Environmental challenges are so much more exciting now than when I was a kid. Global warming has droughts and FIRE and ice ages. Mercury turns your sushi into, like, salvia and makes you INSANE. Fracking causes earthquakes and makes your faucet spit hot flames. It’s like Michael Bay is directing our environmental catastrophes now: “Mother Earth: The Bitch Is Scorned.”

Comparatively speaking, our global fight against air pollution is being directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

“Don’t go outside?”
“Why?”
“It’s hazy!”
“So?”
“Code Orange, man. CODE ORANGE!”
“What in holy hell?”
“DO YOU WANT TO GET A COUGH? I’m trying to extend your life expectancy by 1.3, MAYBE EVEN 1.5 years here, man!”

A new study from the Max Planck Institute for Chemistry reports that global air pollution is responsible for 3.3 million premature deaths, worldwide, per year. Even though pollution levels have been dropping in the U.S. and Europe, the increase in pollutants from China and India still means that a lot of people don’t have access to clean air. From UPI:

As similar regional studies have shown, particulates do most of their damage by boosting the risk of heart attack and stroke among polluted populations. After vascular risks, pulmonary problems are the next most likely. Air pollution has been consistently linked with higher rates of lung cancer and other respiratory issues.

What an annoying way to die. Freaking everything bad we do leads to an increased risk in heart attacks and strokes, simply breathing shouldn’t also be on that list. If I’m going to die of a pulmonary disorder, I want to get it from smoking cigarettes in Vegas while I intravenously shoot some prime rib so my mouth is free for scotch. I don’t want to get it because I took my kids to the park on “bad air” days.

But from a regulatory perspective, it’s hard to know what pollutant we should tax to death, especially given the difficulty of dealing with international law:

Surprisingly, when researchers looked at which sources of pollution were most deadly, they found the particulates emitted by agricultural and domestic fires — primarily pesticide use and trash burning — are disproportionately deadly.

“It is generally assumed that industry and transport are the worst air polluters. But that is evidently not the case on a global scale,” explained [Johannes Lelieveld, lead author of the study]. “Although these are low-key activities, they add up, particularly if the majority of the population uses them.”

You can’t shoot air pollution, it’s hard to tax it, and you can’t see it when it originates in a country halfway across the globe.

I keep waiting for the twist that saves the world. Will Mark Wahlberg figure out a way to weaponize Febreze before it’s too late? Or are we just going to all slowly choke to death on our own atmosphere?

I don’t have a good answer. I don’t know if we’re living in a rollicking disaster movie or a post-apocalyptic epic.