Are We Going To Charge The Climate With Homicide Now?

on July 13, 2015 at 4:54 PM

Climate killing

Apparently, that heat is going to kill you. Scientists are constantly trying to find ways to define the threat posed by climate change in ways that politicians and average fossil fuel burning citizens will understand. The people of the world have resoundingly agreed that we don’t care about polar bears, or rising sea levels. And we clearly don’t give a good God damn about what will happen to our grandchildren a hundred years after we’re dead. Screw those kids, they’ll have to stand on their own two fins.

But a report on Monday tried to make the threat more immediate: climate change will kill you today, especially if you are old. That’s right, Boomers, whatcha gonna do when the climate comes for you?

From NBC News:

Temperature swings can kill, and not just with heat waves, researchers reported Monday.

In a study published in the journal Nature Climate Change, researchers found that in New England, more people died in years with warmer-than-average summers, while warmer-than-usual winters reduced the numbers of deaths. But warmer winters did not quite offset warmer summers.

It’s not the steady rise (or fall) in temperature that is straight ganking people, it’s the variance.

“Variability mattered,” [environmental health professor Joel Schwartz] said. “We don’t acclimate to temperature very fast,” he added. “If the day-to-day variability within the season was higher, then more people died.”

Great. So… what are we going to charge the climate with for killing all of these people? I don’t think it’s premeditated murder. Obviously, the climate changing its mind every season, like a little bitch, is a big part of the problem.

I think we’re looking at involuntary manslaughter. That’s an unintentional killing resulting from reckless or negligent acts. Changing the temperature on us between violent extremes every few months sure seems reckless to me.

That’s not cool, climate. Stop manslaughtering us. Wave Runner or Snowmobile, TELL US WHAT YOU WANT FROM US!