Ed. note: This is a new weekly column by Elie Mystal, Managing Editor of Above the Law Redline. This space will focus on the laws that exist, should exist, and should be put out of their misery.

OVER-REGULATED

Iranian Sanctions: You probably know that crude oil prices are ridiculously lower than they were a few months ago. You probably already know that the low prices are great for America and terrible for countries it’s okay for us not to like. Russia, Venezuela, Iran, enjoy a warm glass of oil that is cheaper than milk.

Iranian president Hassan Rouhani is very, very butthurt about all of this. He told his cabinet why he thinks prices are so low:

The main reason for it is (a) political conspiracy by certain countries against the interest of the region and the Islamic world and it is only in the interest of some other countries.

But this could help Iran with American Congress. From the Wall Street Journal:

Maybe the additional economic squeeze will convince Congress it doesn’t need to impose new economic sanctions on Iran, which the Obama administration fears would blow up those nuclear negotiations with Iran.

Yay conspiracies!

Sage Grouse: The new $1 trillion bill that will fund the government for like five seconds has a couple of interesting environmental repercussions. The bill prevents the Fish and Wildlife Service from finalizing an Endangered Species update that would include sage grouse. It also rejects President Obama’s proposed overhaul for how the nation pays for wildfires. The bill is viewed as a victory for Congressional Republicans.

I get why Republicans like fires. But what the hell did the sage grouse ever do to them?

Apparently, the sage grouse lives on top of oil and gas. Anti-fracking forces say that the giant pigeon’s precious ecosystem will be harmed by drilling. Pro-oil forces say “they’ll be fine” in an old-timey accent while shooting revolvers off into the air. The sage grouse is the Vietnam pro- and anti-drilling forces are using as a proxy fight.

There was a time when scientists made endangered species decisions, not politicians.

UNDER-REGULATED

Jesus Christ, BP are you serious?: BP is no longer sorry. BP thinks you have forgotten that BP turned the Gulf of Mexico into a lard vat. BP would like to quietly stop paying fines:

BP wants a federal judge to cap its potential pollution fines for the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill at a maximum of $12.3 billion, which would cut away nearly a third of the penalties U.S. prosecutors are seeking.

The British oil giant argued in court papers Friday that the judge, in determining its fines, should disregard the higher penalties in Environmental Protection Agency and Coast Guard regulations. The company contends that neither agency has the authority to raise maximum penalties above Congress’s $3,000-per-barrel cap for environmental liabilities under the Clean Water Act.

BP, here was the deal, you pay all the fines we tell you to. In exchange, we DON’T send everybody in your company to a shack on the bayou for long talks with a boy named Remy Jo and his pet ‘gators.

Canadian Pipelines: Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper vows to make Canadian pipelines the safest in the world.

“No development will proceed unless rigorous environmental and regulatory reviews have indicated they are safe for Canadians and the environment.”

Speaking of conspiracies, that’s Steven Harper — conservative — telling the U.S., “KEYSTONE BITCHES.”